Science Salsa
by 1Past and Present1
Summary: Dancing is not science, but Chell is determined to dance anyway and prove GLaDOS wrong. The AI suffers some unexpected malfunctions, such as head bobbing. 'Fun' is not an intended function. A virus is the cause, surely. The mute lunatic infects them all.


**Science Salsa**

This is so ridiculous. It's my flu, I'm telling you.

Enjoy, friends. Sorry for the mad childishness of this one-shot. Would never happen in canon, but well, fanfiction! Gotta forgive. Hopefully you'll find it cute/amusing. Marked 'Sci-Fi' for fun. Fun = not-science.

* * *

It starts with head bobbing, then a slight exaggeration to the sway of the hips. Less than a minute passes before a simple matter of walking over a Hard Light Bridge suddenly gets too elaborate, too troublingly enthusiastic, and a little too funky to be deemed trustworthy. Too playful for testing.

My quick, all seeing optic catches these dangerous signs and a feeling of dread fills my chassis. _No. This is inappropriate._

She's enjoying herself. That means her test results will be suspect. Personally, I believe my Test Subjects always perform better when terrified and serious, and this thing, whatever it is she's doing – some kind of catwalk to some imaginary beat in her head I can only guess – is not serious to testing at all. It's rebellious behaviour on the test track. I've seen it all before. And with this stubborn girl, rebellious behaviour quickly develops into conflict, destruction and _murder_.

I shudder at the thought. She's behaving like a soon to be murderer and my little Orange and Blue are watching this monster strut about onstage, learning from her, learning how to misbehave like wilful, misbehaving humans. Like monsters. _Better nip it in the bud before she gets such ideas like the time she had her 'episode'. I do not need my testing robots influenced by this ridiculous, horrendous display of free will. Oh, I do hope my intervention does not trigger something violent in her. But I do like suddenly startling the girl. Okay, intervene I shall. Well, here goes… wait for it…_

I finally intercede at a stylish little skip, causing her to stumble, narrowly catching her balance on the Hard Light Bridge. Despite all her many faults, I am glad she does not fall, even though her boots would save her from the drop. But not the acid, I am afraid. All the more reason for these silly games to end.

"Stop right there, Test Subject."

Chell twists, giving the camera, and in extension myself, an innocently bewildered look, hand rising to her chest as if to calm a fiercely beating heart. She's too surprised to bother looking annoyed. Those big, soulful blue eyes bore into my robot essence, and I almost feel the urge to sigh with pleasure. But I resist the haunting spell, the weakness her charms would cause. I must maintain order. Humans, while largely stupid, are survivable creatures by nature, much like cockroaches. Cockroaches are to be squashed. To me, she is but a cockroach beneath my metaphorical heel of superiority.

In my most professional voice I inform the terribly naughty lunatic, "Dancing is not science. It has no place in my merry Aperture _Sciences_ facility for the aforementioned reason; not science. Therefore, protocol requires I tell you to cease this pointless dancing immediately and resume testing for the good of forwarding science for real, and not making fun. Science is not fun. What you're doing is clearly having fun and I'm sorry, but as your s-s-supervisor-" I silently curse myself for continuing to meet that adorable stare. "_Ahem_. Excuse me, I seem to have suffered a brief technical malfunction. Where was I? Umm, science is not fun…"

She blinks, heavy lashes lightly battering her rose tinted cheeks, and my insides grind painfully together.

"I simply cannot permit-" I shudder. _Stay cool, GLaDOS old girl. You're the smart one. She's brain damaged, what harm could a simple flutter of her lashes cause? Speak. Make her quiver with fear._ "So I have to… to… ask you…" _No! Not ask! Demand! You're the boss! I am the boss! But not a moron like that other moron! Gods, what's happening to me? _"Tell you! I am required by protocol to tell you not to-"

She frowns ever so softly.

"Protocol requires me to tell you… no dancing… because d-d-dancing is… not fun…" I stop, realising my chassis is vibrating severely and it's garbling my speech somewhat, so I sound silly and that is unacceptable. _Seriously! What is happening to me?_

She raises a brow. If she were not so devious, I'd call that a look of concern. But I know better than to trust such a face.

Orange and Blue, however, are genuinely worried by this pause. They both turn to me with curious glances back and forth, unsure how to handle such a daunting situation. One of my dear little robots pats my cheek gently as if to comfort me, to ask if I, the almighty queen of this realm, a perfect being who they look up to like a goddess and mother, am all right. I shamefully acknowledge my descent into forbidden weakness before them. But I will not give in.

Determined, I narrow my optic on Chell's falsely confused face and growl, the sound carrying and startling her much to my satisfaction, though it makes me feel a little guilty when my testing robots inch away from me as well, also made afraid by my display of dominance. But I must maintain control and she is making things difficult, though I have yet to come to a solid conclusion as to how. _But I know that damned female is doing this on purpose! Somehow! She will not silence me! _"Dancing… is… _not_… science…"

She shifts feet, feigning discomfort. Such a cunning girl.

"Anything… not-science…" I groan, observing the way she brushes her hand down her stomach, smoothening her attire in a manner devised to distract me. _She's… she's definitely trying to murder me! With her mind! Oh, I should have seen this coming! Well, well… take… that! _"Is not _science_! I will _end_ not-science!"

Her eyes widen further at this stunning blow and she opens her mouth, a silent gasp, her tongue swiping over her upper lip to leave a moist trail. She then cocks her head and I can just see the urge to kill, I know I can.

"You think you're so clever… _dancing_… strutting about with your orange backside wagging from side to side like a pendulum swinging, trying to… to take over my mind… hypnosis? I will not fall for something so human, oh no! Not me…" I laugh at her dismayed expression. _Yes! There is nothing wrong with me!_

She frowns and turns to gaze down at her bottom, evidently shocked by the ineffectiveness of her vain swagger. Panicked, the looks back at the camera, and she attempts to fell me with a new tactic. She brushes a strand of hair behind her ear.

I lurch, my body careening, whining with effort. "Gah!" _She is stronger than I thought! Full of surprises! Oooh, that feels… rather nice… no! No, it does not! But it does. Why am I enjoying this HUMILIATION? _

Chell continues to gaze up at me with those large, intense eyes, and I'm reminded of the little doe I saw outside yesterday morning. She's too adorable to crush, so small and defenceless, always silent, face so expressive.

"No. It can't be." My vocal processors are then frozen, producing static. I realise with horror that this human has somehow passed my highly efficient firewall and infected me with some kind of terrible virus and I am going to die. I can't even vocally insult her now. _But she couldn't have! It's impossible. Yet that explains everything. Ingenious… but how?_

I sag, optic lowering to gaze at the floor. I am defeated. In my misery I pay no heed to poor little Orange and Blue, my two creations chirping with panic. My mind reels. _Will I never see a doe again? Will I miss those eyes? Such a lovely blue._ Her virus, it is a terrible thing, infecting me with such preposterous thoughts. _I hate you so much. Oh gods, I don't even sound convincing to myself anymore! Why do I want to… pinch her chubby cheeks? Rip her face right off, yes! I want to… no. That wouldn't be so satisfying. Is this how I must die? Tormented?_

Time passes. Terrible, cruel time, and I am still hanging here, waiting for that monster to burn me from the inside out.

But I don't. No shutdown. No pain. In fact, I feel wonderful, when I think about it. Not like a virus should feel at all.

Eventually I understand, having run a brief diagnostics, that nothing is wrong. I am a little overheated, but certainly not broken. My head is raised and I gaze quizzically at Orange and Blue, who hold onto each other like their sweet little lives depend on it.

"Do I look dead to you?" I ask them and they jump, then shake their optics from side to side. "Strange. But I felt… what a bizarre malfunction. That's never happened before. It's like the lunatic's attempted dancing did something to me."

Turning to the monitor, Chell looks utterly lost. She is innocent, it seems. Though she is definitely to blame for my odd reaction. She triggered it and I will not accept responsibility for such an embarrassing turn of events.

I scoff, straightening myself with dignity while internally fighting that warm, fuzzy feeling inside my breast that the mute monster has mysteriously implanted. _Not dying. Right._

She gestures for me to say something, and if I were made of softer stuff, I'd have been touched by the concern – which I know now is real – warming those blue eyes as they continue that powerful stare. But I am strong also, and I shall ignore it. Completely unimportant.

"Dancing is hereby forbidden." I jolt a little at the husky tone of my voice._ I don't recall activating the Seduction Emulator. Strange. Then again, it does sound so lovely. Oh, well. _"Dance again and I will throw you in the room where the robots scream at you. Besides, your dancing is horrible. No rhythm."

She looks furious for a moment, hands on her hips, eyes narrowing. Slowly, however, her face softens, and gradually the corners of her mouth curve ever upwards until she's smiling quite devilishly.

"That face suits you," I compliment her in my normal voice. Her lips part imperceptibly, though I'm briefly drawn to the movement, focusing on those soft, shimmering projections of flesh before being sucked once more into those icy yet burning eyes. One winks and I puff myself out in turn. _What are you up to now? _"You better not think of doing anything naughty. I am not in the mood for your-"

Boots tapping, hips swaying, eyes momentarily fluttering shut. She begins to dance, completely unashamed.

"I just said not to do that."

She turns on the spot with ease, the Portal Gun raised high above her head.

"I said cease. Stop it. Stop dancing. Stop. _Stoooop_."

She juts out her chin with a fierce nod of her head, strands of hair whipping over her shoulders with the motion.

"You're suspended over a pool of acid, you idiot. Stop that. Seriously. Do you want to give me a heart attack?"

She opens an eye teasingly and grins.

"Yes, I'm worried. All that fat dissolving off your body will leave the pit greasy, and_ I_ will have to clean the mess. Get your round bottom onto the platform and if you must dance, at least do it someplace safe. Honestly."

She parts her exposed teeth to poke out her tongue at me like an overgrown child taunting the sensible adult.

"I'm not being a ninny. I'm merely being sensible." I hiss, though surprisingly, I can't really be mad at her display. _Too damn amusing. Little fart._ "Get going, _you_."

She dances harder, nimbly skipping like a true deer, crossing and uncrossing feet, bouncing on her heels, sliding. At her own rebellious pace she crosses over the thankfully tried and tested Hard Light Bridge over to the other side, and with all this space available to her she cartwheels, back flips, and acts like a true lunatic. Quite impressively in character.

"I am frowning over here. Frowning. Simply repulsed." I can't admit it to her that I'm bobbing along with the horrible girl. _I really have got a virus. The dance virus. Oh, darn it. This is so corny._

Orange and Blue look from myself, to the monitor, back again and subsequently to each other, shrugging. Then they begin to imitate Chell's movements, and I find myself surrounded by two more dancing idiots.

"Okay, okay! Enough dancing! Can we return to science now?"

Chell ignores me in favour of grinding herself against a wall most provocatively.

I whimper. Immediately appalled by this little sound, I hurriedly add in a strained voice, "Complete the test." I despair when this doesn't help my situation. "_Please_?" _My voice box is broken!_

She finally stops her mischief, making a show of calming down and humouring me. A few portals later and she's got the Weighted Storage Cube, the button only steps away, as is testing euphoria. She strolls toward it, but just before placing it down she pauses and repositions herself so that her back faces the watching camera.

"Good girl. You know what to do." I zoom closer, sensing something shady going on in the Test Subject's head. "Drop the button."

She stubbornly stands there, gazing at me cutely from over her shoulder, her lower lip pushed out. She wants me to say something. Something highly embarrassing and indecent.

"Drop it," I repeat, a little more firmly this time. "Drop the button. Drop it, I say."

She still stands motionless, poised. Waiting for me to say it.

I sigh. "Oh, fine. If it makes you cooperate…" Orange and Blue sidle closer together, optics huge, and I quickly extend an arm from the ceiling to block their view with a claw. "You don't want to see this. Poison your impressionable minds."

She smirks, satisfied. It is a small victory, but a victory nonetheless, when I finally say it.

"_Drop it like it's hot_."

She comes alive. Her back arching, my little mute lunatic tosses her head back and dramatically dips low, knees spreading to maintain her perch as she sleekly descends, orange leggings tightening over her swelling, rising bottom, the counterweight. She holds this pose a moment longer before flicking her hips and then rolling them, her buttocks swaying in a swift circular motion, and I am so thankful I thought to cover my testing robots' optics, because what I am seeing cannot be deleted.

It feels like my headpiece is gathering pressure and shall surely explode. I have never felt like this before. If I had a jaw, it would hit the floor. _This is… not the science… I'm used to…_

She finally stops waving her bottom for the camera, ejecting the Weighted Cube neatly upon its button pedestal with a flourish before rising to a perfect stand. Sweat has gathered in the space between her shoulder blades and seeps through her top, leaving a dark wound in the white. She turns to shoot me a _look_ over her shoulder.

I struggle to form a coherent sentence in my mind, then finally say it with some success. "Test c-complete. Proceed."

Silently cackling, Chell saunters to the exit as if she owns the test chamber. Curse her and her brain damage. Curse them both.

Disconnecting from the intercom system I gaze at the ceiling in a daze, cursing the testing euphoria as well. It is surely to blame for the pleasant sensation going on in my unmentionable mechanics. I have to explode Orange and Blue promptly so I can have a moment of privacy to fix myself before the next test, and their parts lie scattered, smoking upon my scorched panels. My chassis twitches. _Damn lunatic…_

* * *

I hope you enjoyed some of what I wrote under the influence of this cold. Again, I am sorry. Truly. Well... I did have fun. Okay, not really sorry. But sick, yep.

Thanks for reading!


End file.
